I think we all experience fear from time to time. Fear of missing out. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the possibilities. Today I experienced fear, real fear for the very first time in a long time. I was caught in a situation where my better judgment fell out and I let myself get caught up in a moment that had some pretty rough circumstances. I’m not sure how the situation will truly get resolved, but at this point rather than letting the fear win out and compromise my entire life, I’m kind of accepting it. What happens is a result of my mistakes and I do need to live with them.
And yet hours later, it’s still the most pressing thing on my mind. And in many ways that’s the power of true fear. There’s the fear that is easily assuaged by a sense of confidence: “I’m prepared. I can deal with this problem. There’s the fear that is horrific but fades away: “The terror is gone. It was momentary.”. And then there’s the fear that returns again and again: “There will be another time. There will be another place, where this incident comes back up and can potentially haunt me.” That’s this fear. It’s unfortunate, but it is something that I have to live with.
I won’t go into explicit details about the incident itself, but I will talk around the general areas. If you have more questions, feel free to email me (if you don’t know me), or text me (if you do). One of the ways that I’ve decided to most adequately address this fear is by being relatively open and up front about it. Certain things can only truly haunt you if you’re keeping them in the dark. I won’t totally cast them into the light, but I will illuminate some things about myself. Hopefully, this will give me the strength and the fortitude to deal with this problem if it does arise again.
Now. To get into the incident, I am in many ways a private person; if not private, then at the very least reserved. Growing up I had very clear delineations in my life: “school”, “home”, “church/extracurriculars”. It’s not that I was a different person in each of these fields, but I quickly developed an awareness that certain things stayed in their bubble.
By elementary school, “school” was the place where I could talk crazy and vulgarly with my comrades at the time. There were bubbles in the school itself, but this was the aspect of my personality that was the highlight. I might get reprimanded if these came out in the wrong place, but these were definitely things that were not said in class, church, or at home. Period. Home, on the other hand, was the place where I was my most untapped personality wise, but also my most reserved language wise. I could be very comfortable with most things, but there were rules and stipulations to follow. With the exception of life in college, where things blurred and got a lot more complex, my life has revolved around these certain bubbles.
Today the potential of a dark bubble…a vice that I have…spreading into my social reality happened. Yet the more I think about it, the more I realize that while it would be a bit of a problem, I’d likely be relatively ok. It’d be a very difficult few weeks or even months. But things would fall down. The stigma would exist. But things would fall down.
And it was then that I thought again about the house that I’ve lived in. The religion that I was raised in, and the spirituality that I’ve infrequently but totally made my own. I realized that, while this might become a problem soon, the higher power that my haphazard faith rests in has me. sHe has not given us the spirit of fear. If anything, sHe has given us the power and the guidance to make decisions with Hirs spirit.
While I’m not quite ready or strong enough to pop that dark bubble just yet. sHe has definitely put me in a situation to make better choices and to remove myself from those environments very soon. Unlike the drug dealer in one of my favorite books Manchild in the Promised Land, I can’t stay in the same environment and not falter. There may be a day when I can and I hope with Hirs guidance I will. But I also know that I’ve got a ways to go until I’m truly liberated of any and all dark bubbles in myself and in my life.
I’m just praying to Hirs that until that day, I can at least be protected. And only feel the fear of Hirs lessons.
That’s it for now. Hope y’all have a good week.
I’m starting to consider adding another segment to my weekly blogging. If there’s any soliloquy or subject you’d like to hear me talk about, by all means, send ideas my way. Until next time,